Do I really need to make a better version of myself because it’s January? Well I think in an ideal world we could all be better people in some way or other, couldn’t we?
Let’s just take it as a given that we are all the kindest and most respectful people we can be, because we try to be that all year, every year, hopefully. In the last year the world has gone through a large change, one of uncertainty, of fear, of lose. I think we’re all feeling that a bit. In the face of that I am going to continue being kind, honest, tolerant, patient, open minded, thoughtful. That’s how I can affect others on a day to day basis and that’s not going to change.
New years resolutions
Every year I find myself thinking the new year must bring a fresh start for me, a new beginning with the longest list possible of things I MUST do or I’ve failed. Not this year. This year I’m just going to be a bit kinder to myself, stop setting unrealistic goals for myself. I spend most of my time winging it. I have absolutely no idea how I’ve accomplished as much as I have so far in business, pure luck mainly and a lot of pain and stress that really wasn’t clever or necessary. I never plan anything, I’m very spur of the moment, I hate planning, I just want to make stuff and as lovely as that seems it really does have a big knock on effect. Especially to my health, and after pretty much completely breaking myself last year that all seems a bit silly now.
So is this year going to be a fresh start? No. I can’t completely change myself and my nature just because it’s January. A complete change would need to be made slowly, over time, and surely you essentially are what you are? Thats the point of individuality and personality. I’m never going to suddenly start going to the gym every day, to have more confidence, to behave in a way I have never done before. To decide to do that because of a date is the most rubbish reason of all to me. I know I wouldn’t see it through and then fail and then feel crap. So lets be realistic. What can I actually do, in my work, to make myself happier? Not changes exactly but maybe add a few processes.
Stop writing bloody daft lists!!
Like I’m going to stop writing lists?! NO!! I LOVE lists, but I need to write the right sort of lists. Lets not write a list of what I feel I ought to be doing whilst comparing myself to others on the internet. Realistic lists that I can actually affect and that are in my control.
Stop trying to do too much!
It’s highly unlikely I’m going to stop doing too much, that’s too big a step to do instantly. That’s quite a lifestyle choice. My general outlook each month is to let my brain try and do a million things at once, never finishing anything quite how I want to before starting on the next project, so loads of projects end up whirling around my head all at once and I freak out. Feels a bit pants being like that. I’d like not to do that quite as much. Stick to the blooming realistic list Lunt!! Stop going off on one you numpty! I’m going to do all the stuff I need to (the clue is in the word NEED to) but I will use a process that makes things more manageable instead of terrifyingly chaotic.
Keep in mind who I am and accept it instead of fighting it.
I have discovered over this last year of therapy that I am an introvert. Yes, to those that know me and have met me that probably seems mad. But I am. I find social situations really really hard. Exhausting actually. I simply can’t change this, no matter how much I want to be the life and soul of a party, the most fun person in the room, the popular one in the cool gang. I need a huge amount of solitary time. I need quiet. I need space. If I don’t have those things I quite literally lose my mind. I MUST make sure I make time for head space. I’ve accepted that and embrace it. I used to think of it as selfish, but no it’s not, it’s sensible self preservation. The people that need me can’t access me unless I do this, that’s not selfish.
That doesn’t mean I don’t like the company of others. For instant I love teaching. That means travelling a lot and meeting new people and giving everything I have to those people, at that time. Not a normal habitat for an introvert BUT one which in small doses I LOVE LOVE LOVE. And you know why? Because I actually really like attention. I am most definitely an attention seeker. And I can be really good fun, honest. Love and attention from others gives me life affirmation. It makes me feel I have a purpose, and who doesn’t want that! I always saw that as a negative too, something that should be hidden. But admitting that feels rather nice.
Still finding my place in the world.
Last year I turned 40 and you would think that at this stage in my life I’d have pretty much figured out what I’m doing…..
Oh no no no.
Couldn’t be further away from the truth. I am a muddle, I’m still very childlike and insecure. I lock away my feelings and rarely deal with emotions. I just ‘get on with things’. “Must remain positive under all circumstances.” Thats got me pretty far in life but there comes a time when your bucket just gets too full and overflows. The only way to resolve this is to actually feel those emotions that have been hidden for all those 40 years and go through the pain barrier. Thats what I’m doing now.
I am raw, I am experiencing things mentally and emotionally that I really don’t want to but in order to move on I have taken the decision to be better at my life. To explore and feel life in a healthier way and that takes more time than I thought, years in fact. I am beginning to figure out my worth and my place in this world and it’s quite confusing. But that’s okay, because that is normal.
I have lived in the spotlight of social media for a good few years now and so everyone has seen my creative journey, how I have experimented with my own style and found what I liked, what works and doesn’t work for me. Some will like it, some will be disappointed, I would have preferred to have figured all this sort of stuff out before I launched a business but it didn’t work out that way and thus the constant changes. Experience has taught me a lot, I know loads of stuff now, technically, but still am unsure whether I have found my ‘thing’. I am open to change, not too much, but a little, one step at a time. I’m pretty much sure I have my own style artistically, but accepting that has been harder than I thought. Being good enough, for me, is a challenge. Because of my lack of confidence and lack of a sense of self, I am easily distracted and this is where I try far too many things. Accepting I am good enough will always be a struggle but at least I am now aware of this.
And back to the planning thing. A lack of planning and time spent considering myself and my work ends in a mush of I wanna do everything. Lesson learnt. Take a breath, step back, take some time and think. Put the processes in first, write them down instead of keep them in my head.
So new me? No.
Enhance what I have already accomplished in a clearer, healthier way.
Embrace the me that I already am instead of trying to change me? Yes.
Blimey that was deep. I’m off for a lie down.